Never get into an argument that you cannot win…

If the logic is flawed, chances are the argument will follow suit.  The worst part of being on the losing side of the argument is that moment when it becomes clear that you have actually lost.  In other words, you were fallacious.  Practicing unsound judgment can lead to many things, but most swiftly to a bruised ego.

Arguments are a funny of breed of conversation.  They are the special warfare operators of the english language.  You could be having a routine conversation, perhaps even a meaningful conversation, and then without any effort on your part, you are dead in the midst of an argument.  All you need is some fortuitous set of circumstances: a misspoken word, an untimely remark, or even something more innocuous like an eye roll.  Before the words can even leave your lips, the argument has begun.

Let’s examine this in a little more depth… In any argument, as in any battle, there is a protagonist and an antagonist.  The former is putting forth their best verbiage, and the latter is countering with their best.  Typically, the opening salvo from both sides tends to be a warning shot across the bow of the other.  ”Do not engage in any more conversation with me on this matter because I will prevail.”  This back and forth goes on for a little bit until one side introduces the heavy artillery and brings to light a claim so momentous that the other side is simply stopped in their tracks and has to acknowledge the weighty-ness of the new information.  As with all clandestine skirmishes, the battle does not ensue for long because the cat is out of the bag, so to speak.  There really is only one response to this clandestine warrior, hope.

Hope that your logic triumphs…

Hope that you don’t make it worse by saying something idiotic…

Hope that the other person doesn’t realize you have no argument…

Hope that it ends swiftly… (and in your favor, but let’s not put the cart before the horse)

The amazing thing about arguments is that men and women argue in different ways… It has taken many, many years, and many, many arguments to come to this realization.  The simple fact is, men argue to win, and women argue to get their point across (and that is more powerful in the end than just winning).

If you stop and think about it for a minute…

Germany invaded Poland and started WWII… strip all of that away, and it boils down to a man wanting to win an argument by using force as his logic (this is a gross over-simplification, but the point is still there).

Put a woman in that same situation and the argument would have been more diplomatic perhaps?  Again, a gross over-simplification, but the fact still remains that more conversation would have been had first.

Arguments with my wife made me realize the inherent differences between the sexes.  Arguments are not for faint of the heart either.  An argument between a boyfriend and girlfriend is tame compared to one between a married couple.  The former is full of hope because both sides usually want to resolve the conflict and the overwhelming fantasy of love transcends all words and ladles heaping amounts of sanity on both sides, thus peacefully ending the discord.  The later on the other hand is an all out, ugly, take no prisoners affront to basic human decency.  The husband fights to win, while the wife fights to be heard.  The collateral damage will be sorted out later, the title of winner is at stake.

Now, the beauty of this whole messy saga is that no amount of love can make this go away.  If one side opts to waive the white flag and apologize, the other side will have to have the last word and that will be the ember that helps burn down the forest.  On the other hand, if the conflict continues, the situation goes from Operation Enduring Freedom to Blackhawk Down in a hurry.  The words will be slung with reckless abandon, the bile and emotional hatred will be channeled into watching the demise of the opponent.  As the minutes tick away, the language will become more raw, the emotions more visible, the logic more flimsy, the fallacy more epic… until… SILENCE!

This is the first chance that both sides have had to regroup, assess the damage, address the casualties (aka feed the children, pets, bathroom breaks, etc.), reformulate the attack… Perhaps going for the jugular is not working as hoped, so switch gears and setup a beachhead just off to the side (aka introduce random and unrelated facts into the argument that are really irrelevant, but they will suffice for a weak position) and attack from there.  If that tactic doesn’t work, go insurgent (aka introduce completely asinine information that will throw off the opponent).  The hope there being that they will be so taken aback by your brazen stupidity that it will overload their brain and force them to stop talking momentarily for you to falsely reassure yourself that you are winning.

By this point, the argument has morphed into a completely unrecognizable waste of time.  If it has gotten to this point, both sides need to agree to an armistice and establish the 38th parallel (aka Korea… one time an actual conflict, now just an excuse to get mediocre consumer electronics from south and make fun of Kim Jong Il’s hair in the north).

Let’s face it, you lost!

Just accept the fact that she’s right…

Keep your mouth shut…

Hope that she still wants to be in the same room as you…

Do not make an amateur mistake by telling her she is beautiful when she is mad…

Let history be your guide… it worked out pretty well for the Germans!

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