A couple of days ago while trolling facebook, I happened upon a posting inviting me to the going away party of one of my former employees.  The person in question has received a promotion and a well deserved one at that.  I would like to think that I helped guide/mold his tenure with the company in some way.  As I was reading I felt this rancor starting to course through me.  It has been almost two years now, but it feels like a PTSD of sorts has settled in.  The pain is still there, but each day is a little bit better than the last.  Each day, the armor seems to be stronger than the day before.  Each day, the future out shines the past.

I still cannot pin point what is happening. I think I am okay (not really okay, but coping) with what happened, but I find myself relapsing from time to time.  The relapses are growing farther and farther apart, so that must be an encouraging sign… is it?

The one thing that I keep coming back to is that the person who I fell on my sword for is the reason that I feel like this.  I am not a depressed person by nature, but I feel helpless somedays.  I feel like a shell of the person that I once was.  I guess having your heart ripped out and your dreams crushed within a span of 12 months will do that to a person.

Many people have suggested that I talk to someone about it, someone who is a professional listener.  Hubris prevents me from doing that, for if I do, I will put a face to the problem and let’s face it, I do not have a problem!  I am superman, I solve everyone else’s problems, I do not have problems!

When am I going to move past this.  How is it that time heals all manner of bullshit, but for me time is making this harder and harder?

Rancor, it’s not just the monster that Luke Skywalker was stuck in a pit with, it’s a fire-breathing, life sucking, ass-kicking beast that does not know when to quit!